To continue with my post-Valentine post….

Here is how our conversations or better yet, exchange of mails started. He would write about his failure to make a young woman he once again fancies to fall in love with him. And here’s one of my answers:

Honestly, I’m now as confused as a young girl
wondering about what love really is, feeling a bit
shaky on the ‘podium’ where I’ve been standing, having
lost some of my panache so it seems. The realization
that falling in and out of love could turn out to be a
unique experience for every person has mainly caused
the erosion of my confidence. I feel that like a
charlatan, I have been rattling on and I must ask for
your forgiveness.

But I had promised you and I’m fulfilling it. As you
read, please remember that I’m expressing ideas I
distilled from my own experience and those of friends
who have confided in me. I’ll try to organize my
thoughts as neatly as I can but I might not succeed; I
guess you know by now how fluid and circular my train
of thought could be. I’ll also try to summarize main
points and present these as points to reflect on or
perhaps items like in a test. So, here goes:

Getting to know the other
Love and loving, even liking, are often confused or
interchanged in most circumstances at the start of a
relationship that what happens in courtship (for want
of a term to mean the first stage) often determines
whether or not the attraction between two people will
develop into a steady relationship or fizzle out.

Meeting ‘the one’ is an event that can either be
ordinary or breathtaking. Attraction is the usual
signal, and at times, alchemy or chemistry. The moment
of attraction is almost magical if it’s present. Or
like the headiness that comes with good wine, rather
slow but then, overwhelming. Such a moment then begins
to take over because the memory of it lingers on or
haunts you. If the following ‘elements’ keep coming
back to memory, then the ‘meeting’ was somehow fatal:

1. Physical attraction that’s mutual
2. Laughter or a feeling of lightness
3. Meeting of minds

All three may not happen instantly or during the first
meeting. But even if only one does, it’s a good point
with which to start. Points no. 2 and 3 often get you
far. The first one, while an ideal factor, is often
the hardest to deal with because it’s what blinds you
and the ‘desired one’ into plunging right ahead where
you should have been careful.

Beyond the first meeting
To like another person means to want to be with her if
possible through all hours. It means wanting to share
all your hours with her in much the same way as you
want her to share hers with you. This second stage
still belongs to ‘getting to know each other’ or
courtship in the ‘old world.’ No commitment is being
made here but exclusivity is becoming more and more
implied as you both want to spend more time together.

While you are compelled to spend such time alone with
the ‘desired one’ all the time, it’s wiser to diffuse
time together by including friends or peers. While you
are compelled to spend such time, too, in exclusive,
romantic places, it’s wiser to share time you spend in
an ordinary way such as simply sipping coffee at
Starbucks, browsing at Power Books, strolling by the
bay or jumping into one of those trips to Corregidor.
(My examples, of course, are arbitrary not really
knowing how you spend your time off work except
playing tennis, visiting ruins of old churches,
browsing in art galleries, reading, dancing (?), aside
from lunching out or dining with friends, or I’m just
guessing.)

But anyway, what you should achieve in this stage of
the ‘friendship’ is getting to know the ‘desired one’
as a person as much as revealing yourself as a person
to her. Details matter a lot during this stage. You
get to learn more about each other and what you learn
may or not matter. Your answer to these questions will
determine whether or not you want to pursue the
relationship and bring it to a higher level:

1. do you have the same tastes?
2. if not, do you agree on some if not most points?
3. is it easy for both of you to go along with the
other?
4. is laughter easy?
5. does caring for the other and being concerned about
what the other feels the quality that smoothens some
disagreements, in case these come up?
6. do you care about everything she’s made of such as
her family, origins, past, etc., in other words her
unique story? Does she about yours? Are you genuinely
interested in her as a person? Is she about you?

If the answers to these questions become more and more
of a ‘yes!’ a commitment tends to become more or less
implied. The moment for ‘pledging’ ripens.

Note of caution: Be careful in handling ‘signs of
passion’ whether in showing it or receiving it.
Exclusivity breeds passion and all its fangs such as
jealousy, possessiveness, and insecurity. Passion
often expresses itself as turmoil of fear, rage,
expectancy and disappointment. It’s not a healthy
sign. Passion will consume both of you.

 Next post: engagement